Mother Nurture
© Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Jan Hanson, L.Ac. 2002
Translating Mom-Speak and Dad-Speak
Sometimes it seems like Eric and I are speaking different languages. For example,
when I think we’re just talking about how we’re each feeling about something, he thinks we’re trying to identify some problem and solve it. I end up feeling like he’s not really listening to me, and he ends up feeling frustrated that we’re not getting anywhere.
In relationships, women generally tend to focus on feeling connected, while men are sensitive to status and dominance. For instance, a mother could think her husband will welcome her knowledge because he wants to come together with her in raising their children. Yet he could interpret her parenting tips as condescending or controlling. Similarly, in conversation, women emphasize the process of being together, concrete consequences for specific people, and feelings, while men tend to emphasize tasks and outcomes, impersonal perspectives, and information.
Each gender style is valid, like it’s valid to be Italian or Swedish. Skill with the other gender’s style lets you shift gears effectively, depending on what’s needed. It’s completely alright – and often necessary! – to ask your partner to communicate with you in a way that’s closer to what you need as a woman.
For example, a man who is skillful at "mom-speak" can:
Accept your feelings instead of trying to talk you out of them; hear you out instead of trying to solve the problem
Ask questions about your thoughts and feelings; ask three or more questions in a row (and not "How am I doing?"!)
Nod, smile, make eye contact, say "yeah" frequently, etc. to let you know he’s with you; encourage you to say more; focus on the conversation going well more than any practical outcome
Let himself be moved emotionally; express an empathic understanding; offer relevant self-disclosure
Understand that your (often greater) expertise about the children is not a threat but an asset for him and the family; be confident enough in his own parenting to ask for suggestions or help
Realize that you need to ask him questions about his schedule, whereabouts, or plans in order to coordinate with him, not to be bossy; recognize that you are not trying to control him
Be willing to talk about problems instead of thinking they might reveal an embarrassing flaw; realize that raising a family means one trouble after another
Recognize that you need to be able to talk about your children or marriage with close friends
Above all, communicate that he cares about you and wants to stay connected
And a woman who is skillful at"dad-speak" can:
Pay attention to her husband’s reactions to issues of power, dominance, and status; be careful about orders, put-downs, or ultimatums
"Knock before entering" by asking him if this is a good time to talk (he should name another one if it isn’t)
Explain the principles, values, or goals that guide her thinking; be direct about what she wants
Consider sometimes listening as one man would to another, with less of the chiming in and personal statements she might use with another woman
Understand that he may not feel his passing thoughts are worth sharing, so his quiet does not necessarily mean that he is not listening; understand that he may regard personal questions as potentially intrusive, so his lack of inquiry into her world could be respectful rather than uncaring
Realize that his detached verbal style does not mean he wants to distance himself from his wife
Recognize that his debate-style challenges are to him fair play in an ongoing interaction, not a personal attack: more like a strong move to the hoop than walking off the court
Be judicious in what she says about him or her family to others
Above all, communicate respect for his autonomy; make it clear that she is simply trying to work together as equal partners in the best interests of the children
(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 11 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.) |
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